It’s your April Twelfth Davey Mac Report and we have ourselves our first bench-clearing brawl, babies!! After getting hit by Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke, Padres slugger Carlos Quentin charged the mound, starting a baseball battle that would have put most Wrestlemania’s to shame!! Greinke ended up breaking his collar bone in the melee. Dodgers manager Don Mattingly called Quentin “stupid.” And L.A. outfielder Matt Kemp nearly got into a fight with Quentin in the parking lot. Now THIS is baseball, my friends!! Let’s take out our dicks and piss on each other!! Let’s get some hot dogs and beer and force them down the throats of coma patients!! Let’s dress up as baseball mascots and rob a bank!! Let’s capture Pete Rose and tie him to a chair and cut off his ear while “Stuck In The Middle With You” plays in the background!! Let’s FUCK, daddy, it’s BASEBALL season!!
Meanwhile, the Masters has begun. Tiger Woods is four strokes back at -2 (Marc Leishman and Sergio Garcia are tied at -6). I have to say, I fucking lovethe Masters. My plans for Sunday include parking my translucent, almost ghost-like ass on the couch and watching the final round of the Masters for six straight hours. Then, my plans are to go into the Smoke Zone and enjoy some marijuana. THEN, my plans are to play my Simon & Garfunkel Live In Central Park DVD and say out loud that “I wish I could have seen that concert. Hey, we should get some beer.” And THENmy plans include me realizing that there was no one else in the room while I was speaking, and that in fact I was talking to a puppet. And puppets, dear readers, CANNOT buy beer…they don’t even carry wallets, as far as I know…
The Knicks had their 14-game win streak broken by the Bulls last night (who also ended the Heat’s 27-game win streak). Chicago beat New York in overtime- 118 to 111. I’ll tell you this- do NOT be surprised if the Bulls shock teams throughout the playoffs this year (most notably Miami), and make their way to the Finals. Also, do NOT be surprised if you see me in the Port Authority bus terminal, passed out on the bathroom floor, with poop somehow coming out of my ears, and someone having scribbled fart-face on my forehead, while teenagers take pictures of me and put those pics on the website Red-Headed-Fart-Faces.com.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former NFL quarterback Jeff Garica, who slammed Tim Tebow and the Jets yesterday. When asked about what the Jets should do with Tebow, Garcia said: “Having Tebow there doesn’t bring anything positive. It just brings distraction.” Bam!! Tim Tebow, you just been slammed by Jeff Garcia!! Tebow, for his part, did have a rebuttal: “I’m against abortion in most cases…but I wish Jeff Garcia’s mom had taken an old, rusty pair of scissors and spiked herself in the pussy when Garica was a fetus. Is that too harsh? Maybe. But Tebow says what Tebow says. Also, I wish Garcia was eaten by squirrels.”
See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!! LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!! Peace!!
-Dave (4/12/13)