It’s your April First Davey Mac Report and FUCK YEAH! It’s Opening Day, bitches!! Major League Baseball is back (as opposed to Puppet League Baseball and/or Cum-Dragon Baseball), and we are as excited as Matt Lauer at a Glib Convention. Right off the bat, the Yankees and Red Sox are playing in what could possibly be the Rivalry To Stay Out Of Last Place In The A.L. East. I’m not a pessimistic Yankees fan, but I think my team may very well have their worst season in years, and they will also probably get a strange case of baseball chlamydia, and most likely could get mangled in some horrific Yankee Train derailment disaster. Now that I think about it, maybe I AMa pessimistic Yankees fan…and a pretty shit-stained one at that!!
Damn, do I love Opening Day. Maybe not as much as crushing grapes with my dick, but I DO love Opening Day. It’s the one time of year where everyone gets a fresh start. And the Lord knows I sure could use a fresh start. Especially after I allegedly “assaulted” a third-rate Phillie Phanatic that was at my local mall. What can I say, I was drunk…and I wanted to see how many Twizzlers I could fit in that green freak’s weird nose-mouth. Fuck it.
But alas, it’s not all about baseball, my friends! Michigan, Syracuse, Louisville, and Wichita State have all advanced in the NCAA Tournament. Who did notadvance? Vomit Tech and Fart University…mainly because no schools of those names exist.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Louisville player Kevin Ware who suffered a horrible injury yesterday in Louisville’s win against Duke. Ware jumped up, and when he came down, the mother-fucking bone popped out of his leg!! Damn!! As he was being carted off the court, he told his team-mates, “Just win the game.” That guy takes pain extremely well…much better than me, in fact. I remember once hitting my shin on the coffee table and I exclaimed to everyone in the room that I was gonna “disfigure them with sulfuric acid.” My elderly Aunt Francine was particularly upset at that…and banned me from all future Thanksgivings.
Have a great day, homies!!
-Dave (4/1/13)