It’s your March Eighth Davey Mac Report and the greatest closer in baseball history, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, has announced that he will retire after this season. Which means starting in 2014, be prepared for the Yanks to blow a shitload of games. Mariano is the best at his position that any athlete has been at their respective positions. We’re talking about Michael Jordan as the greatest shooting guard, Jerry Rice as the ultimate receiver, Secretariat as the quintessential dumb animal that runs quickly and shits outdoors, the Fonz as the perfect 40-year-old creep strangely hanging around and trying to bang under-aged high school kids, Chief Wiggum as the perfect cartoon police officer who has at least 7 to 10 “friendly fire” shootings in which multiple people died, and Jabba the Hut as the most awesome slug-gangster in the galaxy. We’ll miss you, Mariano!!
I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately, including a ton of college basketball, and a thought occurred to me- “What is that sensation in my pants? Oh…that’s right, it’s some fart-shits.” You see, Davey Mac readers, I have been on a strict diet of grapes and non-fat potato chips. And, quiet frankly, it certainly affects me in the bowel area. I can’t sneeze without a possibility of poo coming out. The other day I was watching American Idol; and when the contestant Charlie was done singing, I applauded for him. This slightest of movements then caused what I thought was a fart bubble…until I felt some feces sliding down my leg and touching my socks. It was not a good moment, friends.
The “Catholic 7″ have made it official and are leaving the Big East (the schools are DePaul, Marquette, Seton Hall, Georgetown, Providence, Villanova, and St. John’s). In other news, the “Muslim 6″ will no longer be a part of the Big Ten, mainly because there are no Muslim colleges in that conference. And in more news, the “Atheist 2″ has stated that they’ve changed their minds and now believe in God.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Al Roker, for braving this winter storm and going out into the snow and slush to cover it for the Today show. Unbeknownst to Mr. Roker, I am hiding behind a tree and plan to hit him in the face with a giant snow ball (really, it’s more of a snow boulder) when he’s live on camera. I’ll see you guys when I get out of jail!
See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!! LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!! Peace!!
-Dave (3/8/13)