It’s your March Fourth Davey Mac Report and LeBron James walked into Madison Square Garden yesterday and, on national TV, took a large shit on the Knicks logo at center court. LeBron had 29 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists, 3 steals, and one blocked shot as the Heat took down New York- 99 to 93. I would guess that you know that LeBron is a pretty good basketball player. I would not guess that you know that as I am typing this, I have been putting Skittles in my dick-hole. Cherry Skittles, specifically. You also could not possibly know that I’ve been sending naked sketches of myself to Today show newswoman Natalie Morales; strategically sealing the envelopes with my own jizzum. Furthermore, you definitely should not know that I sometimes light my toes on fire.
Meanwhile, LeBron is saying that he is “mulling” over Magic Johnson’s offer of one million dollars to LeBron for participating in the dunk contest. Personally, I don’t think a million bucks is enough to lure LeBron. I think you need to give him at least twenty million, plus a new car, and a high-class French prostitute, and an adult-sized tricycle that is made to look like the Millennium Falcon, and a twenty gallon drum of Astroglide personal lube; and a small midget to play with; and a handgun. On second thought, I think those last five items are things that I would need to enter the dunk contest. Never mind.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman visited North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un recently, and called him an “awesome guy”. Rodman went on to say that he thought that Joseph Stalin “was a cool dude”, he liked “Hitler’s style”, Pol Pot “was, like, rad as shit”, and that Saddam Hussein “probably had a big dick.”
Yankees’ GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle after he jumped out of an airplane. This is bad news for humans who very distinctly resemble ferrets.
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Joe Flacco who, as we were writing this, just made a few million dollars. If you haven’t heard, Flacco has signed the largest contract in NFL history (six years, $120 million). Meanwhile, I just got my New Jersey Unemployment check- $317.50. Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!
See you tomorry, homies!
- Dave (3/4/13)