It’s your February Twenty-Second Davey Mac Sports Report and, according to my sources in the headline, Kobe Bryant has guaranteed that the Lakers will make the playoffs. This year, Kobe? Are you saying that the Lakers are gonna make the playoffs THIS year?! Oh, you funny, Kobe!! You about as funny as the time I drunkenly super-glued my dick to the Christmas tree in front of my horrified in-laws!! You about as funny, Kobe, as the time Dr. J pretended to be a REAL surgeon and six of his “patients” ended up dying on the operating table!! Kobe, you about as funny as the time when ventriloquist-comedian Jeff Dunham stabbed two of his puppets on stage because he found out that they were having an affair!! You fuckin’ FUNNY, Kobe!!

The man they call “Blade Runner”, former Olympian and legless runner Oscar Pistorius, has been granted bail (after being charged with murdering his girlfriend) because the judge says that he “is not a flight risk.” No shit, your honor- the guy has no fucking legs!!! Not only is this killing freak not a flight risk, he’s hardly a fucking crawling risk!!! Shit, this guy ain’t even a fucking hopscotch risk!!! Jizzies, this creep isn’t even a fuckin’ pogo stick risk!!! Fuckels, this weirdo isn’t even a fucking Karate Kid Crane Kick risk, your fuckin’ honor!!! Shiiiiiiiittt!!

By the way, I think someone is trying to Catfish me. I got a message on Facebook from some broad named “Lacey” asking me to send her my “phone digits”. I replied by saying that “I think you have me confused with Manti Te’o, Lacey.” Still, the more I thought about it, the more I think I should have went along with the Catfish scenario. Then, I could get lots of press when it turned out that “Lacey” was a big fat man from Canada named Harold. Also, if I was Catfished, I could finally appear on the Dr. Phil Show like I’ve always wanted…oh well…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to people who dress up as mascots. Those crazy fuckers make the game better, in my opinion. Especially when they are on a basketball court, dancing like idiots, and they get pelted by a cup of ice by an intoxicated gentleman named Dave McDonald. Here’s to you, mascots.