It’s your February Eleventh Davey Mac Sports Report and LeBron James and can play some damned basketball. LeBron became just the third player in NBA history to score 30 points and shoot over 60% in five straight games (Moses Malone and Adrian Dantley are the other two), as the Heat stomped on the Lakers yesterday, 107 to 97. This freak of nature is actually getting better and my predictions for LeBron in the near future are the following:

* Averaging a triple double for next season

* Winning two more consecutive NBA Championships

* Deciding to date Miss Hannah Minx of YouTube

* Discovering that Einstein was wrong and in fact E = MC to the third

* Going back and re-editing the original Star Wars so that Han Solo in fact pisses on Greedo and adding a scene where Luke and Leia have sexual intercourse on the Death Star

* Stating that birds did not evolve from dinosaurs…but rather, in an interesting development…that Dick Cheney evolved from a goblin

* In what he’s calling a “reverse Abraham Lincoln”, freeing all the white people

You know what I did not realize? According to the Subway food chain, this month is Feb-ru-any. I’m not entirely positive what this means, but I do know that Feb-ru-any commercials seem to be bombarding my fucking brain like D-Day machine gun fire when I’m trying to watch a live, sporting event. And what is the “any”? Can I walk in to a Subway and get a hand-job for five bucks?! Because if that’s the case, I’ll take TWO!!! I get it, Subway!! This month is shittin’ Feb-ru-any…now leave me the fuck alone!!!

We got six inches of snow over the weekend, which means I stayed home (except for commuting into New York City for my wildly popular show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio). When I remain holed up in my house for 72 hours, I actually love it. Two main reasons: lots of sports-watching on TV…and TONS of masturbation. If only I could combine the two. Here’s a thought for NBA Commissioner David Stern- during half-time of a game, maybe show ten minutes of porn. And not soft-core Skinemax bull shit either. I want double-penetration, hand guns, and midgets involved. Thank you.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented online shopping…for I just bought my wife Sixteen Candles on Blu Ray from Amazon.com. Valentine’s Day shopping DONE. Actually, now that I think about it, one measly movie might not suffice. Alright, I’ll throw in another one….I hope she likes RAMBO III!!!!

Editor’s Note: Author of the article will most likely be sleeping outside on Feb. 14th…again