It's your January Eighteenth Davey Mac Sports Report and hopefully (please, Lord Jesus) we can put this entire Lance Armstrong narrative behind us and move onto more important sports stories like Pete Rose's incredibly shitty reality show on TLC. Armstrong admitted to Oprah last night that he used performance-enhancing drugs and/or blood-doping in all seven of his Tour de France wins. And thus, that is the end of the story of Lance Armstrong...American Fraud. Now back to Pete Rose. I mean, can you believe the gigantic fake tits on that fiance of his? Also, why is Pete wearing old-timey gangster hats all the time? Does he know that they make him look like a Dick Tracy villain? If Pete Rose was a Dick Tracy villain, I think a good name for him would be "Gambles". Or "Troll-Face". Or maybe "Squashed-Head". Or perhaps "Bad Hair". Or possibly "No Morals". I don't know...I'm just throwing shit at the wall here...literally...there's feces all over my office because of it...
The Manti Te'o story continues and the latest development is that even though he knew that his "dead girlfriend" never actually existed, he still referenced her in interviews AFTER he told Notre Dame officials on December 6th that he was the "victim" of a hoax. This story just keeps getting stranger and stranger. I'm pretty sure the next plot twist with Te'o will involve some place called Shutter Island, a hot dog, anal beads, naked pictures of Davey Mac, a drawing of Davey Mac and Manti Te'o tickling each other on the beach, sketches of Davey Mac lighting dead animals on fire, a painting of Dave spitting face-melting acid into Katie Couric's eyes, and a video of David kidnapping Michael J. Fox and forcing him at gunpoint to watch Teen Wolf while Dave jerks off.
Tiger Woods was hit with a two-shot penalty yesterday at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship for taking an improper drop and missed the cut as a result. Tiger commented after his mishap: "I should never have banged that Perkins waitress. Mistresses one through six were pretty decent. Some were borderline hot, and others were at least fuckable. But then that fucking Perkins waitress came along and ruined everything. What can I say...I'm a sucker for syrup..."
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the guy who invented Pierre microwaveable hamburgers (my guess is it was a man named "Pierre"). My grill is broken and so I've had to resort to these clumps of shit-meat and you know what? They're not that bad!!! Especially when you're on mushrooms and drunk on tequila!! Yeeehhaaaww!!
See you homies on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!!! LIVE at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105)!! Have a great weekend!!
-Dave (1/18/13)